May 26th, 2003

sideview, obamame_sideview

a pattern

this is depressing.

today is memorial and i even don't have any real work to do at all. no cares. no worries. maybe some light housecleaning. beautiful weather. caleb's not bothereing me either. i should be able to go out and just enjoy myself.

but... woke up with another one of those wretched headaches, also felt like my body is made of lead. don't have motivation even to do fun stuff, absolulutely no motivation to go out. my head is killing me and finally i recognized the yucky i'm-so-sad-and-pissed-off-for-no-reason depression attack symptoms.

i think to myself, ok, if i just go out or find something to do i enjoy, i will feel better, but i can't get motivated to go out anywhere, can't think where to go. i think i would just go mope in a park. my head hurts and i just want to lie in bed. i feel like i've been crying for hours only i haven't. i conked out on my bed for about an hour and that felt good. then i woke up and felt the same, only disoriented.

what a waste of a day.

p.s. it figures *yesterday* i was ms. bundle of energy, writing an 11,000-word story, cooking, biking, feeling good. no wonder i'm scared of feeling too happy!
  • Current Mood
sideview, obamame_sideview

Slight Incline

Well, I am happy (such that I can be) that there's been some improvement in the mood and headache department.

The turnaround started when I forced myself to go out. I decided that with the wonderful looking weather (which I'd seen out the window all day) I should go and take some photos for the Downtown photodatabase, taking pictures of some areas that are under-represented. Not only would I be getting something done, but I'd be outside and you know, fresh air is a magic cure for depression, right? (Yeah, sarcasm... cut it with a knife.) Turns out, not a bad idea, since even with my head killing me and still wanting to cry and not giving a care, I "appreciated" the nice weather and managed to take a lot of good pictures. Also, eventually I ended up by Centennial Olympic Park and feeling pretty darn sucky (hot and sweat, head still pounding, depressed), I decided it was an appealing place to do an outdoor Reiki treatment. I sat under a tree in an isolated area of the part and did Reiki for around 20 minutes I guess. By the end of it, my head was still hurting but I did feel renewed and that things were going to get better.

So, this "walking cure" ended up, I think, very gradually kicking the "on" switch to get me out of this mood or whatever. I got slightly more motivated to "do" stuff and managed to process all my Downtown and festival pictures and get them into the photo database. I noticed my headache went away while I was drinking down two cups of PMS Tea with honey. I feel less depressed now, although it's not all gone, I can tell. I bet anything could make me cry pretty easily, although at least I'm not actually just tearing up for no reason (which is freaky, let me tell you).

Hopes for tomorrow? Personally, I'd rather be manic than the opposite.
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy