June 17th, 2003

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Envious Ramblings from This Side of the Fence

Lately I've been having these twings of reverse-Shadenfreude, which I think may correctly be termed envy. Isn't that one of the Seven Deadly Sins? Sigh.

Anyway, in typical Wiebke fashion, I want to have it and do it all and yeah, got all kinds of fabulous things happening but at the same time... There are just these normal things I see other people I know doing and experiencing that I don't don't. Sometimes it's little things like OK, thinking how most people can go home and sure, have a couple of chores and whatnot, but not have work to do. Unlike me, who had a home business and volunteer work and a writing projects and... eeek! The idea of justgoing home and sitting down and just... watching TV or reading or making dinner is just foreign to me, I'm so programmed. That's a little thing.

A bigger thing would be all these women around me getting pregnant; yeah, the envy thing is a cliche and just silly but I can't help thinking to myself "Wendy, if you'd lived your life some other way..." I look at friends and their relationships, marriages, whatever, and I think, "How did they do that? How did that happen for them?" This is something that has pretty much always puzzled me. It sounds bad, but honestly I have always been irritated by the fact that even the dumbest people or people who I consider to be mean or screwed up have managed to find happiness with other people, like just dating or a relationshp or marriage or hell, just sex. Whatever. Recently a friend of mine who's 3-4 years older than me got together with another guy and basically lost his virginity... kind of bummed me out honestly. I mean, now I haven't anyone to point to (except maybe E.M. Forster) to say "Well, he's just as retarded as me!" No, I'm almost 29 and have been on fewer dates than I have fingers.

Sort of moving away from the envy thing, let me dwell on the other night at Daniel's party. I felt so weird, detached from everything. I felt awkward, like I didn't want to be recognized or introduced to anyone. I drifted around anonymously almost. Then there was the awkward thing of trying to talk to Joy, who Caleb was trying to push me into flirt with or something. She is really hard to get to talk to but I tried. I felt so weird... it's very rare that I actually try to get someone interested in me and it's been YEARS since I tried it with a woman. Didn't seem to work and later Caleb told me that he has info she isn't at all interested. Meanwhile the only person who I did think was flirting with me at the party is somebody Caleb says is gay. Figures. Ugh.

I've talked and chatted with Storm on this whole theme and she's given me some great assurances. She says that surely there is somebody absolutely fabulous waiting to meet me when the time is right and that when we meet, the time before will seem like nothing at all, the wait worth it. I really believe that (like Morrissey: "I know it's gonna happen someday!") and I think it's for the best (God, I am busy enough) but at the same time... SHIT, I get so envious sometimes!
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    well, technically Morrissey is not on but...
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Sad Sap

Damn, I got myself so wound up from my last post I got tears in my eyes and now I'm going to be all depressed. Nothing like catharsis!
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    depressed depressed
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Pity Party*

Well, a day later, that longish post of mine from yesterday is looking like a pity party to me. Really, I've got to remember, I can't really have it all. I mean, when I think about it, there are tons of things I do that other people can't, either for money or lack of time (time they're devoting to partners, kids, et al.) or whatever reason, and then I go pouting about it like a kid who wants ice cream AND candy AND pie. Not to say I couldn't put love and friendship onto my plate and eat it, just that I really have enough...

"I do not want what I haven't got"
Sinead O'Connor

I'm walking through the desert
And I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
And I do not want what I haven't got

I have learned this from my mother
See how happy she has made me
I will take this road much further
Though I know not where it takes me

I have water for my journey
I have bread and I have wine
No longer will I be hungry
For the bread of life is mine

I saw a navy blue bird
Flying way above the sea
I walked on and I learned later
That this navy blue bird was me

I returned a paler blue bird
And this is the advice they gave me
"You must not try to be too pure
You must fly closer to the sea"

So I'm walking through the desert
And I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
And I do not want what I haven't got


* Credit to madame_mercredi for teaching me this term, which I had never heard before she used it.
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