August 11th, 2003

sideview, obamame_sideview

Blech!

I have a strong urge to eat nothing but mandarin oranges all day tomorrow. The taste of durian has NOT gone away. Although again, to clarify, I have not eaten any durian, it's just an unfortunate fact my mouth tastes like it. In fact I was so hungry today (and with so little food around the house) that I was considering making scrambled eggs... until I remembered how similar their texture is to durian. That killed the idea for me.
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable uncomfortable
sideview, obamame_sideview

curses

i am very very VERY angry right now. i put up a post about why, but that was a mistake because i got a reply and started a fight. it was a reply from he who has made me angry.

i am so pissed off (and crying, yeah, a nice combo) that any plans i had of being productive as far as my contract work are dead. every thirty seconds i burst out into asthmathic whooping crying fits or start swearing. i have a strong urge to rage around and break things but mr. rogers taught me not to do that. i would try drawing but i'd break whatever i drew with.

the sick thing is, i keep telling myself not to allow myself to "be" angry or "be" upset and just to let it roll off so i don't feel it. i learned how to do that and i know it can work. but at the moment it feels GOOD to be so mad and cursing because somehow i feel like by being so upset, i'm somehow directing curses or lovely negative energy. which in this case, to my mind, would be an ok thing.

i am considering whether to try to work or whether to maybe go grocery shopping instead, as a total distraction. i have no idea about my day anymore. i have no idea at all about most anything.
  • Current Mood
    angry angry
sideview, obamame_sideview

Improvement

Well, there has been some improvement on the emotional/domestic front.

First of all, hats off to madame_mercredi, who happened to come online just when I really needed to vent and then in chat walked me through a long vent about something she has heard many times before. By the end of it I actually smiled a couple of times, though it made my face crack ;)

Next I went grocery shopping. As expected, the combination of being OUT of food and emotionally distraught made my eyes a lot bigger than my stomach (well, probably!) and I kind of went overboard. I did *not* get vodka or ice cream, as calamine_tea suggested, but I did spend $98 and get blackberries, raspberries, red currants, blueberries AND muscadines :) My bus trip out and back was nice and smooth, it's not even too hot here in Atlanta, so overall that worked out well.

Back home I didn't exactly get to work, but instead, while munching on muscadines, lounged around listening to Joshua Tree and then watching different music sequences in Purple Rain. I really love the whole "Purple Rain" and "I Would Die 4 U" performances at the end -- spectacular!

Finally I decided I'd make a *real* dinner and started cutting up all the vegies for the roast vegie thing I like... when who should call but The Defendent accused of earlier making me very upset. He was in his whole "I wanna make nice" mode and inviting me to come over for fresh ratatouille, so I said OK, but only if I could bring the vegies. So I ended up cooking those up and toting them over. We had a really nice dinner and he showed me all the stuff he'd hauled down from Vermont -- childhood collections, drawings, etc. Finally when we went over to the futon to look at his stickers collection and he apologised for early and said I was not a "fat bitch" and he was sorry he let his mouth get away from him.

I am still pretty worned out from getting so distraught, mainly my face and eyes are sore, but overall I am a lot better. Of course it could happen again tomorrow but I'm betting it won't.
  • Current Mood
    optimistic optimistic