December 16th, 2003



i hate when you think you're "better"

but you're not!

my co-worker shelley is going to drive me home now.

i should have turned around at the subway entrance when i realize i had gotten tired from walking one block.

then when i was waiting for the ga tech trolley, i realize chewing my bagel was putting a strain on my heart and lungs.


well, ok, i AM going home, so don't lecture me. will go to bed again i guess.

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    sick sick
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sideview, obamame_sideview

Hyper-Visions and Sickness Apathy

Maybe later on I will put a big LJ cut around this whole last 4 days or whatever and call it "Wiebke's whines about being sick (and having weird dreams)" but meantime, I am still sick and having such weird dreams.

Actually, not dreams even... I simply SEE STUFF whenever I close my eyes. Some of you know are familiar with the fact that I do in fact engage in conscious visioning, lucid dreaming type of stuff and my mind is very familiar with conjuring up free, unconscious visions before my closed eyes, but this is different. First of all, the stuff comes when I'm not willing it to, in mundane circumstances, like when close my eyes in the shower or something. Second of all, it pours on with the force of somebody turning on a bank of TVs. Actually, watching the visions is a lot like TV because there are a billion jumbled images in it... like channel surfing. Third of all, the visions are hyper-real and intense, like the IMAX of visions. Actually reminds me of LotR movies, with layers of visual stuff and spectacular special effect, beautiful stuff. I see a ton of fractals and patterns but they're not flat, they're 3D. Finally... well, not finally, but I have to say the whole visioning thing seems to have been souped up. I can do and see things in my mind that are so much more powerful than before but with only a little effort. Like... did somebody stick me with some weird drug? I wonder if this is like that painter who got sick and his whole painting style changed and started to involve lots of blood? I don't feel crazy otherwise, just what I see in my head is kind of way beyond what I did before. I don't even have a fever anymore!

As for how I'm feeling, I'm confused because I *feel* OK now but I definitely still have something wrong with me. Like, I don't have a fever, I no longer feel nauseous, there are no more chills or sweats, and I'm definitely interested in food... but this diarrhea just goes on and on and on. I took Immodium yesterday, though it was working, but what I think happened is that it just held things in check. This morning at work, the damn dam broke, so to speak. Wiped me out and I said "Um, Shelley, I'm taking you up on that offer of a ride home..." I am continuing on the Gatorade and having *some* food, and just slept two hours. I don't think I'll take any more medicine, as I think it won't help.

My plan is that if this doesn't get any better, first thing tomorrow AM I call my doctor and they'll let me come in to get looked at. I have no idea what they can do but everybody says I should go and I am really tired of this so I guess I will.

An observation

From a few days on and off lying on the couching watching TV, gotta say, MAN, there must be HUNDREDS of HORRIBLE Christmas movies on this week. I haven't been watching them, only getting hit with the commercials. Movie after movie, the "family with everything, except the Christmas spirit," the "boy with one Christmas wish," the "night Santa got arrested." What's sad is that it's usually all these B-list stars or people who used to be big stars or who are old actors and it's, ya know, WORK for them, but eeeeeerk, even the commercials are too much for me.

Why didn't I see this coming?

Well, yes, I knew the Peter Pan movie was coming, but still, when Caleb just said we MUST see it... Man! How can I get out of it? I don't wanna go! I already heard there's a scene of Capt. Hook saying my name QUITE clearly, aaargh aaargh! I wonder if somehow I'll wind up seeing this with my family during my holidays up north. Personally, I'd much rather see LotR a few times... OBVIOUSLY!
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    (haven't been listening to music since sick)
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sideview, obamame_sideview


so jude law is going to break dance on actor's studio? that's what the preview looks like. way to go! i'm glad i'll still be in town sunday night, as my parents don't get bravo, pretty sure!

p.s. commercial break from queer eye holiday special. good fun for tired brain :)
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    curious curious
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sideview, obamame_sideview

Some huge Q.E. generalizations I can't help

So to relax and actually laugh and stuff, was watching the Queer Eye special. Coming from a background of basically the same POV as the Fab Five as far as decorating, personal maintenance, and well, being surrounded with gayness, I really enjoy it.

Anyway, one thought that kept tossing around in my head is how little of that "messy unfashionable in-need-of-QE straight guy" scene I actually see. I mean, where I live, men just aren't like that -- straight guys, gay guys, both single and married/coupled are basically all of the metrosexual variety. The guys I know from my neighborhood like to decorate, know wines, have trendy clothes, like to go shopping, have their hair done... (I know, it sounds like a great place to pick up men. Maybe it is. Who knows. I'm not into them.) It's more a thing of if you're in this particular neighborhood, which is urban and upscale, you're likely going to be classy, no matter your orientation. I *guess* people with the same amount of income but w/o the desire for urban elegance and that classy trendy thing... they get crap apartments or houses someplace else and do it, they don't lofts in the city. When I watch the show, I sort of see it as a "neat cool city boutique" versus "sloppy suburban Wal-Mart" thing more than things getting gay-i-fied. I mean, my neighbor Ross is straight and he could be the Fab One.

Now WEIRDLY, the only people I know in Atlanta who DO need the Fab Five are people in Outworlders, the gay/les/bi/trans fantasy/sf group I'm in. I've been to whole a bunch of people's houses and apartments for meetings, movies, games, groups, etc., and I have to say, the gay men in that group need the Fab Five -- seriously! The lesbians need help too! Like, I go over to these places and it's all this bad furniture that doesn't match, posters tacked to walls, books and junk piled all over, no ambience... It's like they're still in college or something only they're older than I am so I don't get it. I mean, I'd say it was b/c they're gaming or watching DVDs too much to care, but I'm on the computer and my home says "I care." I guess they just don't know how to decorate! Of course when some of them came over for my book launch, I wonder what the hell they were all thinking: "Is Wendy really qualified to be in our group? Her house is too upscale!" LOL. No....
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    thoughtful thoughtful
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