January 11th, 2004

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A queer evening

When I say "queer" in this case, I mean odd :)

After a dinner of just some reheated pasta, while watching Queer Eye (the married laywer daddy with the seriously empty house), dropped in the on the Wraeththu chat. It was light-hearted, at least while I was there, everybody talking about hair, skin complexion, favorite and least favorite colors (yakalskovich was particularly adamant about mauve), etc.

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If my writing sounds fussy tonight in this entry, don't mind me, it's just the book I'm reading, Affinity. It's one for the book group, supposed to have it read by tomorrow at 1, doubt that will happen as I started reading late and didn't do all that much reading this week, though I'm up to page 150 or so now. Really like the book a lot -- mystery/horror set in Victorian London and involving a lady who gets involved with an incarcerated spirit medium. Really well done period piece, lots of subtlety, and keeps you guessing. (BTW, madame_mercredi, I really think you would get a huge kick out of this book!) I gather from reviews that there's some surprise ending but I have not so far peeped. I hope the other book-groupers are so kind as to avoid giving it away during the meeting tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, hopefully I get some stuff done. I've decided to mainly keep my weekends to leisure still, and mainly work M-F, but I've got a meeting Monday with a new client and I want to work on an estimate and do some background research into B&B web sites. Would also like to get all the clean clothes and linens off the floor, like to go through some papers, do some accounting, keep up work re-doing my web site, etc. Eeek! Should get to bed soon so I'm fresh for my morning E!

P.S. Had some cordial just now, to calm me down and get rid of my twitchy legs. Restless, restless. Hate when this happens.
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable uncomfortable


I'm still too twitchy in my legs to sleep. And meanwhile I find these lyrics (well, more like words, since the "singer" is not singing) going through my head. It's all Godot's fault.

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... Man, I still think that song/poem is BRILLIANT, esp. it's great rhymes & paradoxical statements like:

I can laugh louder than the walls, the halls the waterfalls, louder than Charles de Gaul or Fulton Mall

I've had it with puns, alliteration, russian literature, Italian neorealism, meaningless cross references and laundry lists of nonsense...

and the end, which is the kicker:

I shall keep on running, because a body in motion tends to stay emotional, and it's better to feel. Pain is better than emptiness, emptiness is better than nothing, and nothing is better than this.

I just find this song exemplifies so much and it makes me giddy.
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(no subject)

My Abraxis email is completely wanky at the moment, so if anybody has sent me an email, I can't get at it. I also don't get my LJ message alerts either. No idea what's up.

Sunday evening, looking back

I went to Decatur to go wander a bit, read (nearly done with Affinity), and enjoy some tea, and now that I'm back, Abraxis has fixed itself. That's good, as I was beginning to fear communication difficulties, since almost everybody communicates with me via that address, including my clients. Whee!

Today's been good. I think about the worst thing was getting a phone call at 6:45, before dawn, from security downstairs. I was startled, thinking it must be some emergency, but no, it was only the woman very eager to tell me she'd found the package I've been asking after for several day. Turns out it had been mislaid in the back of the package closet in the mailroom; it's probably been here a week, as it was supposed to have arrived Monday and was even in the log book. Anyway, why she couldn't have simply let me a NOTE about this package, I don't know. I only know I tossed and turned for twenty minutes and then managed to fall back to sleep.

After that I mainly read my book and then at 12:30 I went off to the book group meeting. Because so many had missed the last meeting, for Left Hand of Darkness and only half of us had finished Affinity, we talked about Left Hand. Great discussion! Pete really got us warmed up, as he a cassete from a "great books" lecture talking about science fiction and in partilar, examining Le Guin and her background, the themes her books take based on that background, some analysis of Left Hand, etc. We really got going. Once again, it made me glad I had found Outworlders because the people in the group are really good sorts -- friendly, thinking geeks :)

I suppose my plan now is to force myself to *quickly* pick up all the mess in the house, which suddenly appeared over the weekend, and then cook some sort of late dinner and prepare a bit for the client meeting tomorrow.

But OH I almlost forgot. I *didn't* spend all morning reading -- actually after waking up and reading in bed a bit, hiding from the cold room, I went and I E'd in the gym! I must say, I really detest the idea of doing *anything* before I've showered and really woken up, but I made myself do it. I was in for about 45 minutes on the bicycle and the treadmill. My heart rate was up to 155 at one point, which is extraordinarily high for me as my normal pulse is about 55 and it doesn't quicken very easily. The treadmill was more trial than usual; I tried to run at speed 5 tilt 4 and it was all right for 45 seconds but I forced myself thorugh 2 minutes and at the end I had a horrible shortness of breath. I slowed the pace almost to nothing for 3 minutes, trying to catch my breath and finally I felt a headache coming on so I quit. I did burn 100 calories from the treadmill but ick! I am such a damn wuss.
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Just finished Affinity, by Sarah Water. I knew it had a surprise ending, since it was hinted at in reviews, but even though in the last 50 pages I'd come up with 3-4 possible endings (2 of them seemingly inevitable!) I was totally surprised by what actually happened. Damn, that author is clever! I feel so bit in the ass, nothing normally creeps up on me like that. Anyway, great book, really great. The style, the characters, the historical setting especially -- the kind of book that makes you realize that no, you really *wouldn't* like to have lived in some past time period, however pretty the styles of the day, because if you had to be a woman, it would suck in just about any situation. I feel so rendered.
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished
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Grieving for Clothes

As I've mentioned to Caleb, to his scorn, one of the deciding factors in my trying to correct my eating and exercise habits isn't actually my health, but, essentially, my love of my wardrobe. If I had nothing but stupid cheap clothes I didn't care about, it wouldn't be a big deal for me maybe spring for an additional (as opposed to my current *one*) pair of pants that *fit*. As it is, I've got a lovely collection of pants that represent what I *want* to wear, only can't because my tendency to wear clothes tight to begin with has backfired in my face. It's not just pants either, it's all sorts of other things, like skirts, certain shirts (which are now too tight in the back, dresses. I've even managed to bust the side seams in my winter jacket!

Anyway, I was just putting away laundry and piles of clothes from the floor (yes, dadi, I do it too!) and thought, what if I cataloged some of this existing (but unwearble) loveliness, as a way of inspring me to fit into them!

- Very cute bright green polyester "homemaker" dress that won't button at the top due to increased bust/back size
- Cute, somewhat pricey B&W (sewn)wrap-around dress still fits, but the wrap won't work quite right anymore
- Two very expensive designer silk skirts Caleb's boss Alycen gave me -- no hope of wriggling into them, esp. for fear of breaking them!
- Several other polyester dresses I can wear but I worry about busting the seams and having to have Anne Whitlock sew them up (again!)
- Black & red miniskirt I bought in London; fits but rides up terribly whorishly b/c it's just so tight, where it wasn't before
- Two wonderful sleeveless tops I bought in Germany which fit perfectly only I don't have skirts that fit to go with them.
- Several skirts which are wearable if I accept the fact the waist has to go up to the bottom of my bra.
- 4 pairs of black jeans, some brand new, gifts from Alycen
- 2 pairs really nice blue jeans, also from Alycen
- 1 pair Wal-Mart Rustler jeans I bought ages ago, and were always tight.
- 1 pair dark blue/green jeans so old they were actually wigger pants from the early 90s, but which still look new.
- A dozen pairs of shorts, including about 5 pairs of nice military shorts that fit me right... or did at one time.
- My "famous" red & white plaid polyester pants, which fit but make me look like I've swallowed a blimp, plus I keep busting the zipper.
- 2-3 pairs of pants I forget about, as they're in the sewing pile after I wrecked the zippers.
- Several of my jackets are getting too tight, hard to button.
- The incredible "schoolmistress" suit I bought at H&M in Cologne very likely doesn't fit, haven't dared to check. I know it fit me a year ago...
- Probably the pants on my other 4 suits just about fit, because they're very high-waisted, but they're be really uncomfortable.


Looks like I really should have been paying more attention to certain aspects of my life. And me who thought the doctor's scale was "broken" because in fact mine was broken and stayed the same number during months of weight gain, while I meanwihle noticed the clothes not fitting. I wish it were as quick to undo as do, but I know it's not.
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Pound Cake

I think I've found a way to explain to people how it is that I can be so overweight and not look nearly as fat as another person would. A lot of people have said it's because I'm so tall and that's true, but I have come up with the perfect metaphor to explain the phenomenon.

You know those mini pound cakes they have at cafes, like at Starbucks? Now imagine you have one of those and spread it with a cup of sugary icing. It's be disgusting, right? You won't even be able to see the cake, just a glumpy blob. Now picture a full-size, maybe extra size, pound cake, but spread that same cup of icing on it. For that size cake, the icing just about covers it and it looks OK. Now go back to the little cake. Add another cup. There's nothing there but a big pile of icing. Now add a cup to the big one. *Now* it has too much icing and is gross.

This is why I can be 20 pounds overweight and it's fine, but somebody who's a foot shorter can be 3 pounds over and it's a big deal. And also why if I'm 30 pounds overweight, it means it's going to take a while to get rid of all that thinly spread out icing (some of it literally, ha ha).