February 15th, 2004

sideview, obamame_sideview

Wintertime of the spirit

Sometimes I wish I had friends here in Atlanta who do Reiki or some kinds of rituals or meditation in groups. Even though there are solo activities I've engaged in that are very powerful, I feel like I'm not really moving forward at all and also am not going in certain directions I'd like to. The energy and clarity I've experienced in settings with other people, like Dehara rituals or my Reiki training, were just crackling with energy and very cool, but I feel like I can't recreate that by myself. I feel I am capable of a lot, but I do much better if somebody is there guiding me or if I'm treating somebody. Left to my own devices, I can create calm, do some self-healing, have some visions, but I don't think it's anything high impact.

This whole past few weeks since leaving my job, I've in fact had a very hard time locating the spiritual aspects of myself. If feel almost like I had a fireplace that was going well and somebody banked the fire and there are just some really weak glowing coals. There's energy in the rest of my life, but I feel like something is missing or hiding or has been taken away somehow. For example, I know that for the past couple of years, I've felt very distinctly that there's this very strong, wonderful, loving sensual life force in me, that I can find at any time, but now recently I walk around and look for it and I don't feel it. It can't actually be gone, I don't think... but it's distressing. About equally distressing, the visions I have in my nighttime rituals are recently much, much less vivid and really I have to force myself in order for anything at all to happen, which makes me sad :( It's like wintertime of the spirit, kinda freaky.

Oh, well, I've got a terrific headache today and a stomach upset. *Maybe* I will try some Reiki. Maybe I should get the couple of books Storm recommended to me and it would re-energize me. I don't know. I think chatting with Storm would help too, she has a knack for saying the right thing to me about such things. teriel is good too. Have to be hopeful!
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    distressed distressed
sideview, obamame_sideview

(no subject)

I hope I don't have a stomach virus again. God, I really feed like shit. It took me like 2 hours to get out of bed today (super case of feeling "baked") and even when I did my mega-exercisign which normally energizes me, I kind of felt odd or weak or something. I think the food at the diner this afternoon, for book group, is making my stomach turn. Have had a headache bad all afternoon, now it's absolutely pounding me and I feel dizzy. No wonder I'm not getting my cleaning the house work done. *Head hits keyboard, I fall asleep*

Oops, no I'm OK. But MAN, my head hurts!
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sideview, obamame_sideview


I wonder sometimes, am I unhappy I am alone? I mean, in many respects I am cool with that, but then I think, hey, wouldn't it be great if I could get up now and over on my couch was somebody who loves me and would hug me and kiss my forehead to make my headache better? Or who would be saying "Hey, you're way too stressed out, let's go for a walk to the park and watch the lights twinkle in the train?" Mwahahahaha, and some think I'm not romantic!

Had 2 aspirin maybe 45 minutes ago, my temple isn't throbbing quite so badly.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely