March 26th, 2004

black

Out of my control

This stupid lethargy or depression or whatever I seem to get is really making it hard for me to get sh*t done, I swear.

Feeling up and quite determined, I will come up with a plan for the day and how I'm going to have all this energy and there's no reason I can't take care of everything -- work, errands, cleaning, writing.

But then I wake up and within a half hour I am filled with this strong feeling of not wanting to do anything or face anything. I just want to lie down and cry. Not read. Not watch TV. Not do anything constructive beyond maybe clipping my fingernails.

I just get so overwhelmed lately that I don't even know where to start doing work. For example, I'll feel really upset my house is a mess and determine to clean it up, but then I go to do it and have lost any determination to do it, even simple stuff. I'm content to deal with it, even though it's just feeding the cycle and making me feel more overwhelmed.

The thing that gets me is that I can't seem to control any of this. Can't seem to just say "OK, let's get on with it." I've tried various means, like going out for coffee and chocolate, having a bath, going for a walk, but it seems like the only way I get better is random, i.e. I'll go to the post office and suddenly feel this rush feeling and be all better.

That said, I think I am going to pick up my kitchen just to do one thing. I have SO much to do, so much to do...
  • Current Music
    Cruxshadows
sideview, obamame_sideview

(no subject)

If I clean up the house, I won't get my work done. If I get my work done, I can't clean up the house.

Huh.

Maybe THIS is why I keep doing NOTHING -- I can't decide which thing I can't do.
sideview, obamame_sideview

(no subject)

I have just finished cleaning The Big Room, a.k.a. kitchen/dining/living. Cleaned the piggy cage, bird cage, dusted, picked up, and even cleaned the floor with the Swiffer --- at Caleb's insistance. Yay me. I have done at least ONE thing right today.

Now let's see if I can get that work done for Caleb's company before he calls me AGAIN and harrasses me. Or if I can get those development pictures from CAP before Caleb calls me and asks me about them again. Or if I remember to deposit the check Caleb gave me before he bugs me about it. Hmmmm, does it seem like Caleb strives to motivate me?
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished
sideview, obamame_sideview

Stood up

So this afternoon I got myself ready to do an author chat / writing thing over at YouthPride. I put together a suitcase with all kinds of Storm books as well as other ones I was going to talk about as far as being "alternative sexuality" in SF/F. I also printed out my article, a reading list, and the BD press release -- and went to Kinko's to get a few copies made.

Seems this was a classic case of over-preparation, since as it turns out, when I showed up in Decatur 10 minutes before the program was to start, the center staff weren't even there and the place was locked up. The schedule was tacked on the door and I saw it was definitely the right day and time. I sat down on a bench outside.

Eventually this girl skateboarded up to me, also waiting for the program. We sat there until 7:30 talking. She was 14 and it was kind of bizarre what we talked about (she wanted to know stuff about hermaphrodites) but better than being alone. And NOBODY SHOWED UP. Brittany said she'd been at the center until 6:40 when the staff guy Brandon said he was going out, but 50 minutes is a long time to be gone.

So I guess I should be irritated...but considering nobody would have showed up besides Brittany, even if the center HAD been open, I guess nothing was really lost. Except money for copies, time wasted, etc.

Afterward I went to Domestic Instincts and blew some money on 40% candles and Belgian chocolate balls.
  • Current Mood
    weird weird