I've used that subject line before but heck, it's useful!
Anyway, today is Sunday and so far has been a sad, boring affair.
Since being self-employed at home the past 7 months, my weekends have had less meaning to me since it's not like I'm not home the rest of the time, but I still treat them separately from the "workweek." I try not to work, often go out and run longer errands, go ride my bike, etc.
About the only thing I've done today is work on Inception, watch TV and eat a bit. The phone rang a couple of times. I haven't cleaned up the couple of rooms that are still a mess. I haven't read a book. I haven't worked on that Flash for that Vanderbilt guy. I haven't paid myself, filed my bills from last month, or done any of my other work stuff. I feel like such a loser...
I'm aware some people think I'm a workaholic and so people will say "It's Sunday, chill the hell out..." but I'm still annoyed. The fact that my hormones are flipping out is also not making me feel great at all. I'm both nervous and depressed at the same time, which is a rather uneasy feeling!
Just because I need to get out of the house and want to start eating healthy again this month, I think I'll go out grocery shopping now. I'll take my book along and not rush or anything, just go about things in that plodding way of depressive types -- going through motions. Back at home I will cook a good meal and pick up the kitchen, which might make me feel marginally better, as if I've "done something" today.
Grocery shopping went well. I definitely got a good amount of food, just about 100% of it what I consider healthy food I really can't go wrong with. Now I'm loaded with fruits & vegies and various and sundry things I need for main meals for probably the next two weeks. Got a few special things like artichokes, which I don't think I've ever cooked myself, although I use artchoke *hearts* regularly in soup. Also got raisin bread and a big bottle of apple sauce to go with it (because I'm possibly the only one in the world who likes toasted raisin bread and applesauce sandwiches). Mmmmmm.
About the only crap thing about the supermarket trip was -- d'oh! -- that the Publix I went to was super, super crowded. For a long time I've done Sunday shopping at another Publix which is in the ghetto and even on the weekend isn't thronging with people like that. Oh, well, at least the checkout lines were short!
And now for less pleasant thoughts...
I'm in a reasonable upbeat mood right about now, optimistically thinking I'll be able to clean my kitchen.
I did manage to have one really dark thought on the busride home. I'm sure it's just temporary hormonal depression talking, but it occured to me that given my parents' age, it's unlikely my parents will ever see me ever in a relationship or married. They'll go to their graves puzzled about me, what's wrong with me, why I'm not like their other kids. It's been the same since I was a little kid, they always knew I was different, I'm sure of it, Mom has said as much. When I read the reports from my childhood psych. counselors, they all worry that little Wendy won't be able to form any close relationships because I'll be too absorbed in my "inner world" and will push away anything else.
I managed to get pretty upset about this on the bus, thinking about destiny and how it was awfully f'd up that for whatever reason my psyche just isn't set up to be "aware" or "interested" as other people. Some people are miserable because they are looking for partners but get rejected; I don't think I'd get rejected but I'm not at all interested. Whatever. Like I said, I was upset. Not because I'm actually lonely or whatever, but just the stupid "Why can't I be normal?" type crap. Ugh. I feel like a freaking 14-year-old (well, a normal one...)
The other day the financial counselor threw me for a loop with some of his questions, including ones about my future. One of the things he asked me about was family. I was like, "Um, no thanks, won't be having that." Sigh. Later that day a potential client (and acquaintance, so not total stranger) asked me if I was still single. I said I was and he said, "Such a shame..." I told him it was probably going to stay that way. Then he was like, "What about kids?" And I was like, "Well, that takes two, ha ha" and then the guy cracked me about by asking about Caleb. Oh, yes, as if I'm so hard up to "meet my quota" I've got to go to my friend for some sperm. Whatever. Noooooooooo, NOT interested! LOL. Oh, and then he mentioned how he and his partner were having trouble finding a surogate mom so they could have a kid -- and I was very, very grateful he didn't bring the conversation around to, "Ever thought of that?" In fact I have thought of that for a long while but at this point, probably not interested. Maybe if I got a $20K cash payment but how moral is THAT?
Jeez, the more I talk about this depressing shit the worse it gets, I swear...
For the record, some recent stuff:
The artichoke I made for dinner was really good. One thing I was surprised at was how you can eat the core. My directions said you couldn't but I ate the whole thing, as it was completely soft. I guess it's kind of like pears... I always eat the WHOLE pear (except the stem, if it has it) and everybody is always like, "You don't eat the core!" But to me, pears don't seem to have a core, not like an apple. And neither did this artichoke. It was pure indiluted goodness. I dunked the bits in a bowl of butter and lemon juice. I know I should've avoided the butter but I forgot to get fat-free mayo and had to put *something* on it, so there.
Lately my guinea pig Abbie has had an attitude adjustment -- and not for the good! I keep catching her fighting with YinYang and it's quite obvious SHE is starting it. Somehow sweet little Abbie is now Abbie the Alpha and bossing the littler YinYang around. Abbie always gets her way -- she lies down where *she* wants to, she gets the food *she* wants, she doesn't share it, and if YinYang looks at her wrong, woe to her! As far as guinea pig aggression goes, it's basically a lot of "rumbling" sounds (think: furry vibrators) and Abbie jumping up and threatening to bite. I've also heard some serious squealing but by the time I see what's happened it's obvious Abbie has trumped YinYang in some battle. No idea why Abbie is being like this or if it's permanent.
Today at the supermarket I realized I don't really get frozen food. In fact I don't get a lot of canned food either or even prepared stuff in boxes (except stuff like pasta, grains, etc.) Like fresh stuff mainly. But frozen stuff, I never do. Occasionally I'll get a pint of sorbet, but there are no frozen meals, frozen snacks, frozen cakes... and of course no frozen meat since I don't buy any meat period. Today I was watching a fridge ad talking about how you could fit so many frozen pizzas in it and I was like, "Why?" Puzzles me. I used to get more frozen in the past but I think perhaps because I'm taking the bus I just automatically skip it. Normally ice cream will make it home fine but it's still not the brightest idea to take frozen groceries out into 90 degree heat and wait outside for a bus.
Oh, the significance of my ponderings!