September 25th, 2004

ice cream

writer happy dance

i have been busily editing my story tonight and damn, i think i have FIXED it. tore out the big chunk i needed to, and the story suddenly became a lot neater and all sorts of problems were eliminated. i am feeling quite gleeful at the moment. in fact, though i hadn't planned on it, i think i will attempt to edit the whole rest of story (right now i'm about 2/3 done) and get it over with. it will be staying up late but hell, it's friday night, i don't work saturday, and i'll sleep really happy.
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    The Piano
spiked

Artistic breakthrough, expression = me

Tonight, in addition to all the drama (mabye because of it), I had a bit of an artistic breakthrough. Not in terms of suddenly becoming a great artist, but in relating to my own artistic abilities and sensibilities.

For many, many years, I've been severely frustrated by the fact that I can't ever actually draw or painting what I *want* to do. I can't, for example, look at something and then draw a picture that looks like it. I can look at something and do a picture that was supposed to look like it, but it will come out looking like something totally different. I can also try to draw one person and the picture ends up looking like someone else. This gets to be really depressing for me because I see stuff in my head SO clearly but when I go to draw it, something totally different comes out.

Now the odd thing is that often I actually *like* what I've done, I just didn't plan on doing it. Like I will want to do some super gothic painting and when it's doing it looks like Keith Haring on acid and I think "Cool!" except that is NOT what I wanted it to be. So I like what I'm doing, but I don't like that I can't ever actually create the art I am intending to create.

Tonight I think I have come to an understanding of what this all means. I think that instead of being frustrated that I can't make myself draw the images I want -- ones that conform to common aesthetic standards of beauty or proportion or levels of skill -- I need to realize that it's the fact the idea & expression differ that makes the art mine. If I could draw portraits like I wanted to, they'd probably look like everybody else's -- good lines, perfect coloring, texture, shading. However, what happens is that my ideas goes through some kind of prism and the result (the weird art I didn't really intend to create) is my interpretation, e.g. my art.

I realized this tonight while I was doing a whole punch of oil pastel drawings. I started them because I was in a bad mood and after the first couple, I suddenly thought to myself, "The fact these things look like this is not something to lament, but something to celebrate!"

Later on I decided instead of doing free drawings to try and reproduce some pictures from W magazine. This totally sealed the deal on the idea, because what happened is that I'd take a fashion ad and draw it and while the result was based on the same pose or lines, overall the things I did were totaly my own -- colors, style, feel. It was like I took these photographs, put them through a processor and the drawings are the "scan" my brain did.

Speaking of scans, here are scans of most of teh stuff I did tonight.

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    "You Can't Take That Away From Me" -Fred Astaire