So I'm pretty frustrated right now. MS Outlook still won't run, despite the fact I'm quite good with looking up tech help and am getting help on a user forum. It just freezes. While I can always go to web mail to receive and send messages, not being able to acess Outlook means that ALL MY PAST MAIL IS UNAVAILABLE! At least my contacts are backed up (I use Plaxo) and my appointments can be synched with my Palm Pilot, so I have the basic contacts and life info, but everything else is locked up. I'd like to back it up, but I can't figure out how to copy the 2 Gig "Personal Folder" to CDs. I have enough CDs, but I can't find the proper backup utility that will break the file up into sections for me. Argh!
And my network is still down :( Actually I think Outlook is probably having problems because of whatever's wrong with the network -- I've had both things happen at once before -- but damn if I know what the cause is. And until I properly harass management about this, I'm stuck.
Computer problems aside, I'm feeling pretty mental. Really losing my grip. Nothing anybody would notice if you were around me, just all internal, existential type stuff. I could write a LONG essay on this subject.
Anyway, one thing that seems clear to me is that I'd feel a LOT better if I were writing. Writing makes me feel stable, fulfilled, and like I'm accomplishing something. It gives me true purpose. But lately -- for the past few MONTHS -- I've either let myself do other people's work first or I've become mired in compulsive tendencies to the point I'll waste a whole night doing something like clean a disk or read over a fanfic I've read 100 times before. So not writing makes me feel awful -- both disoriented and depressed -- but instead of fixing that, I do other work first, which makes it worse and worse and worse.
I must write something. Going nuts here!
So! For the past few hours, I've felt like myself! How... weird!
I went up to Buckhead, leaving around 12:15 for a 1 o'clock lunch appointment. It went VERY well -- I was operating at Charm Factor 10 :) I was so smooth, articulate, friendly, and I'm sure the client will accept my estimate since she clearly liked me. We're the same age too, and I think she likes the idea of two independent professionals working together.
After the meeting, I felt energetic enough to do some shopping. Walked on down to Container Store and picked up a few things, then went to Petsmart and got some stuff to spoil my pets with. I was all bubbly and cheerful throughout. I had spring in my step! Finally I went to the bus stop, but the traffic was so awful the bus was never going to come and so I walked back to the train. Still had energy though.
Only on the way home did I start to have a come-down. I started sweating like crazy, got nauseous, developed a dull headache -- another one of those "spells" I've been having lately. However, I think I'm better now. I was just IM'ing with Caleb and my brain seems "lit up."
On a related note, I've been thinking a lot about what my doctor said, that being alone all the time is not good for my mental or physical health. For the past month, I've been noting a lot of things that tell me he might be right on that. For example, I've noticed that if I'm away from home (day trip, errands, vacation), I'm almost always cheerier than at home. I seem to be able to function better and don't dwell on depression, lie around, etc. People cheer me up to. Even if somebody just calls me on the phone, I "wake up." I like going out to lunch with people too. Basically, I think when I'm home on my own too much, I just start to putrify! What I can do about this, I have no idea, but at least I'm becoming aware of it.