August 2nd, 2005


Strange brain

Last night my brain was up to some really weird stuff. I don't mean dreaming either, since this happened while I was awake.

What happened was, I woke up in the middle of the night, which isn't unusual since I started Lexapro, and as usual I just flipped on my stomach, knowing I'd fall asleep again. Only I felt weird. I started to get tense and restless. Then my thoughts became... strange. In fact I'd say my whole brain became pretty darn strange. The thought pattern of my brain was really jumbled, like having 20 radios playing at once. I've had "racing thoughts" at night (when I was on Allegra-D, I had them every night all night), but this was different, as they weren't racing or anxiety-related, but just very strange thoughts with mixed up words, and disorientation, like left is right and white is black. One part of my brain (the "me" part) observed all this and was rather horrified.

Next thing I know, there was this snapping noise and I jumped in bed, going "WHAT?!" Thought something fell or one of the birds was loose... I had no idea. Then I realized my central air fan was making some kind of stuttering sound. It did it a few times more. I then managed to get up (hard, since I was basically "drunk") and check the thing, turned it off and on, then got back in bed.

Not like I could sleep though. I had such a weird state of consciousness. It was like I was on drugs or was having some weird reaction to one of my medications, only I take them in the morning so it had been almost a day since I took them. My thought patterns are fairly odd anyway -- there are regular thoughts but also whole lines of thought that are recited in fully-formed sentences -- but this was quite bizarre. It was like my brain was scrambling to remember really odd bits of information, like who was the group that sang "Charlie Brown." I also recall having this sentence pass through: "She was cleaning out the bathroom using her doberman." WTF?

It was very weird to sort of "watch" this happening. I wondered if it was something to worry about. More, I wondered if I'd fall asleep again, since it was 6 a.m. and way too early for me. But somehow I did fall asleep. When I woke up I seemed mostly normal... though I did just write "guitar pigs" instead of "guinea pigs."
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Still weird

I still feel like part of my brain is turned off. Luckily I've been working for an hour going through a 6 in. pile of printed edits on the CAP site, so not like I need my brain much. Do feel weird though, like part of my brain is frozen up and I just don't know what part because it's my brain and thus I can't tell.

Surely I'm not making sense but if I'm later found roaming around Downtown naked and raving, I did warn you, LOL.
  • Current Music
    something Baroque
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Paper pulls no punches on Bolton

The Atlanta paper ran a pretty pointed article on the appointment of John Bolton. Headline was "Bolton in while Senate is out" and here is the LEAD of the article:

On paper, John Bolton is arguably the weakest U.S. ambassador ever sent to the United Nations, the only one in 60 years to go without Senate approval, the backing of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee or, for that matter, the confidence of a host of senior diplomats he has worked closely with over the past four years.

A little later:

Time and again, the Republican establishment has called on Bolton when it needed a hard-nosed lawyer not afraid to knock heads, whether the task was to help shepherd the failed Supreme Court nomination of Robert Bork, to count Florida chads in the 2000 presidential election or to help shred a Cold War-era nuclear arms treaty to make way for a U.S. missile defense system.
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How do other people feel?

Throughout my life, I've had a fascination surrounding the answer to this question: How do other people feel?

I'm not talking about how other people are experiencing their emotions or how smooth their skin is. I'm talking about how other people experience their existence, like what their bodies feel like to them, what their heads feel like, what colors look like to them, etc. What I have always wondered about is how similar or how different people feel. If I switched bodies, would it feel totally different? And if somebody got my body, would they say it was in a lot of pain or a little? What are other people's internal thought patterns like?

There are many things that fascinate me about this topic. I mean, these are things that we can't really know. Medical researchers, neuroscientists, etc. can probe this stuff and how it works but they don't have a way to actually experience anybody else's perceptions of existence. They have to take a person's word for it, read instruments, and observe from outside. They can't know and neither can anybody else. Then there is the fact that many of these perceptions of existence just aren't expressed because most people take them for granted: This is how I feel, how I think, this is what is. Describing your internal thought processes -- how you actually THINK -- is really difficult. So is trying to describe your bodily feelings any given moment.

One of my ambitions has been to write a story or a novel that actually details all these minitiae of bodily sensation and mimics thought processes. I thought Joyce's Portrait was great in the way the writing reflects the growing maturity of the narrator. I would love to write something experimental that would take you inside -- really inside -- somebody as they experience things. Like instead of just having one thought, they would have 10 thoughts at once, really rapid fire, like a normal person... or if not like a normal person, then like my only model, MYSELF. If I wrote a story or book like that, I'd have to write it based on myself, because that's what I know. And then I can see people saying, "That person is insane! How did you come up with that?"

Today my head is feeling pretty lousy. In addition to the lingering effects of that funny-thinking episode last night, it's got a lot of aches, pains and other unpleasant sensations: 1) hollow, dizzy bubble feeling overall, 2) pressure pain over right eye, 3) dull ache in left temple, 4) compressed feeling in back of head, 5) itchy, dry eyes, 6) sore inner nose, 7) achey, creaking jaw, 8) sore throat. I guess describing it, it sounds like I'm sick or something but that's just normal. It's fascinating though, to think of all these dull aches and pains and weird feelings all over our bodies, which may or may not be unique to us.

Babbling over.
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    thoughtful thoughtful