Before I get down to work, I thought I'd do what lots of people are doing and make a post about coming out, since it's National Coming Out Day. Or at least start one. I may break this into several parts.
I had almost no awareness of my own sexuality until I graduated high school. I just did not give a care about any of "that stuff." Later I realized I had had some crushes and obvious identity issues, but I was never conscious of them. Other people had told me they thought I was a lesbian, but I was like, "Ew, I hate women, I'd rather be a gay man." I just couldn't accept it really.
However, my subconscious was definitely figuring stuff out. My senior year, I was in a special course where the final project involved teaching a two-day lesson on a culture. I led my group to pick "Gays in San Francisco." They went along with it and based on books and videos, we taught a classful of kids about sexual orientation, coming out, homophobia, and Lawrence Ferlinghetti. We showed clips from Pink Triangles and PBS's "One in Ten" show. At the time I had no inkling I might be gay, nor did I realize that probably half the class was, given that the class was an interdisciplinary art-history-writing course full of non-conformists.
It was because of that course that when I finally did realize what was going on with me, I didn't have a negative reaction at all. I was at my friend Teresa's house sometime the summer after graduation, and she was going on about how pretty I was, sat on my lap and kissed me. In the end this wasn't really a lesbian thing, just a friendly thing on her part, but it was a huge revelation to me. My reaction to it wasn't so much, "Ew! I must be a lesbian for liking that!" as "Whoah! That must be what sexuality is like!" LOL. But even then, I knew I wasn't a lesbian. My thought was, "Well, I like women, but I know I like men. OK." Nobody has ever been able to tell me different and my feelings haven't changed much.
After that first kiss, things changes drastically for me. But that's a whole other story, which I will tell later.
P.S. Just had an iced coffee with a triple shot of espresso and I think it's actually waking me up a bit. Yay!