November 28th, 2006

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OK, who laid a curse on me?

I haven't been feeling well the past few days. It's part of the reason I haven't been posting a lot lately.

It's not just the exhaustion, which continues to take me out for a couple of hours every afternoon, but something more than that. Ever since Thanksgiving, I've felt out of sorts in some way I can't put my finger on. My stomach feels weird somehow, my mouth has a nasty taste in it, and I've been cursed with headaches. I'm also even more tired than usual, which is saying something. It's like something is sucking out all my energy. Tonight I was at the gym and didn't even bother with the weights because I knew I couldn't handle it; I didn't see myself able to lift much and I've been feeling so distracted I swear catch my fingers in a weight stack or something.

Anyway, I don't know what's wrong exactly.

The general exhaustion thing I still don't have an answer for. I swear I sleep around 7, sometimes 8, hours a night, and yet I feel unrefreshed when I wake up and by the time I'm walking home from work at 2 or so, my body is already preparing for a nap. Once I arrive home, I try to occupy myself with something, just to stay awake, but I can't manage. The other day I sat on the floor by the guinea pigs' cage and was watching them eat when I swear I found myself trying to nap on the floor. I got up and went to the couch. Why do I need a two hour nap every day? It's kind or ridiculous! I wonder if I have sleep apnea, which would be giving me lousy sleep quality. Or have I gotten even more anemic than usual? Is my thyroid messed up? Or is it something to do with depression?

Sadly, I won't know the answers to any of this for a while, especially since I still have not got my health insurance from BCBS.
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Nightmares, feeling ill at ease

My night was filled with nightmares that were more stressful than scary. In one of them, Luckie's cornea got disattached and I was scrambling to reach a vet. I couldn't dial the number right, though, and then I realized the regular vets would be closed. Could I just put saline on it and wait 'til morning? Or did I have to get out to the 24/7 emergency place in Gwinnett County? Meanwhile, as so often happens in my dreams, Luckie had shrunk down to be this teeny, tiny little thingy, so small I was keeping her in a jewelry box. I had to keep poking her to make sure she was still alive. I woke up and found Luckie on the pillow next to my head and was greatly relieved to see her eye and regular size intact!

I continue to feel crappy. Last night I went to bed about an hour early, to be sure I got eight hours of sleep, and I think I mostly got it, although I did wake up around 3 feeling really restless and rather wide awake. I propped myself into a half-sitting position and so somehow that helped and I fell asleep. I woke up with a headache, though :(

Right now I'm at the market office and my brain feels like it's on "Standby" rather than in the "On" position. I'm really tired and would curl up somewhere for a nap if there was somewhere around here to do it. As soon as I get home, I need to deposit some checks but I'll have to do it as soon as I get home or I know I'll fall asleep. It doesn't matter if I eat, have coffee, or whatever, I just crash out every damn day.

I was thinking over the situation last night and think that probably the root of all this crap is seratonin levels. The two anti-depressants I've taken are both SSIs, which affect seratonin, and with both of them, the depression improved for a while but then I just started falling asleep a lot and also getting depressed again. I guess my doctor will have me try some other anti-depressant? I'd just like to have a decent mood, energy levels and be able to stay awake all day!
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Heaven Knows I'm Sleepy Now -- A Log

Preface: Today after work I decided to try keeping a log tracking my efforts to stay awake. I figured just the idea of keeping a log would inspire me to avoid napping, sort of like tracking your diet makes you eat better. I didn't entirely succeed (um, I fell asleep for an hour and a half) but it was a good exercise anyway. So here it is, cut and pasted, only a tiny bit edited (for clarity).

2:07
I could totally go to sleep right now, but I'm making myself stay up.

2:25
Wrote out deposit slips, ate serving of nuts, and examined YinYang. Still want to go to bed really bad but am still on my feet.

3:22
With a lot of deliberate effort, have managed to stay awake. Went out and ran errands -- mailed packages, shopped at CVS, deposited money at bank. Every time I went inside, I felt really hot and started sweating on my head, neck, back and arms. I also got really hungry at CVS and got an energy bar, which was almost too tough for me to eat.

3:41
Finally I give up and try sleeping on the couch, while listening to NPR. It usually works, but this interview was really interesting and I couldn't get comfortable either.

4:00
Crash. Finally.

4:30
Awake again, for some reason. Ack. Got up, went to regular bed.

4:45
After a lot of restlessness, fell asleep again.

5:40
Awake. Feel sort of better.

6:15
Headache gone. Definitely feel more alert now. I could totally go out to a party right now.

7:32
Made a pot of yummy clam chowder, from scratch (except for canned clams). I had a headache when I started and felt tired throughout, but at least I got it done. Half-way through, a neighbor came by asking if I'd like to go out to the bar across the street with some people a little later. I said probably.

8:15
Feel kind of lousy. Wish my neighbors had come by to go out to that bar. Maybe they will still come. That would energize me a bit.

9:33
Neighbors never came. I managed to sew eight new buttons onto my old trenchcoat. Also have been watching Scrooged with Bill Murray. Have a headache in my right temple, so I just took two aspirin.

9:57
Movie is over and I've finished off the clam chowder. I feel good now. Headache has dulled down to almost nothing. Now why couldn't I feel like this at 2:30?!

10:15
Caleb called and he just got home from work. He's tired -- but HE has a reason to be! He works all day, going to meetings and doing presentations and doing presentations and making executive decisions. Meanwhile I get tired from doing very damn little in comparison.

Summary: I guess it's possible for me to stave off napping by running errands, but in the end I give in and afterward I start to feel better, until by 10 I feel pretty good. Also, I've had a day that just sounds like a Morrissey song.